Today’s 30 DSLR from Tina really moved me, but before I do my write up and reflection let’s talk food.
Snack!
Those mini sliders from lunch kept me crazy full until about 5:30 so I snacked on…
Some Probiotic Drink and a Kashi TLC Apple Soft Baked Cereal Bar. This is like a Nutigrain Bar created by an artist. It looks so cool.
That’s the filling peeping out.
Dinner
Dinner came around at about 7:30. I had a Mediterranean Orzo Pasta salad with evoo, cranberries, white beans, kidney beans, orzo pasta, spinach, and diced tomato with onion.
Though, it doesn’t look that great, it tasted so! Filling and packed with nutrients, just how I like meals.
After dinner I had two sesame rice cakes topped with fat free cream cheese. I’m loving this snack right now, I can’t seem to get enough of it. Something with the sesame flavor from the rice cake and the cream cheese makes my tongue happy.
30 DSLR
Today Tina wrote about accepting love. You shouldn’t define yourself in another but it is important to let others love you and to love yourself. You cannot love another until you can truly accept you!
This topic really hits home for me. Growing up my parents weren’t very public with affection, between themselves or with us. And as my brother and I got older it became less and less. We weren’t a huge hugging family or very forward with comments like “You look great”. I always knew my parents loved me and thought I was beautiful but because I never heard it, It was hard for me to believe these things about myself. I also struggled to tell others.
I still struggle and feel awkward giving people compliments and believing I look good. I don’t want to convey anything negative about my parents in any way. I look back and understand everything now, but in the moment though I didn’t know it was affecting me, I can tell that it was.
In the past I’ve isolated myself from people, I push them away because I’m afraid of being vulnerable and hurt. Too many friendships had crushed me. Too many people I’d trusted implicitly had backstabbed me. I had no confidence, because everything I had used to define myself was gone. I was no longer an in shape trim athlete, I was about 30lbs over weight, and I no longer played basketball. That was what I was growing up, a jock and fit.
I met my current boyfriend Max in my second year of college time, and how I held onto him I have no idea. See, I couldn’t love myself and the longer we dated the more I pulled away from him. He’s put up with me and my long journey of healing for almost 4 years, and he still sits here patiently, just waiting for me to surface from the mist of depression, anxiety, hurt, warped body image, etc. I love him with everything I can, and as I get better that love grows because I can give love and trust to someone else.
It’s important not to define your love through someone else. But I should be able to accept it and believe it to be true. When Max would tell me I looked pretty I would always say “no” and have some reason why. About 5 months ago I made a pact with myself, when he would give me a compliment I would say “I know”. I know this sounds vain or arrogant but it had nothing to do with me actually agreeing/knowing that I was beautiful, I had to learn how to accept someone else’s opinions of me, and that mine weren’t accurate. I had to be able to accept love. And by accepting Max’s love I also began to believe what he said.
I in no way am healed perfectly, I’m still caught in the mist. But I am getting better. I do believe there are things about myself that are beautiful. I believe that I’m special and that other people do care about me. I’ve completely cut myself off from others, but I’m ready to let people in, I’m ready to learn how to be a friend again.
I hope everyone checks out Tina’s Blog. I’ll see ya’ll tomorrow!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Accepting compliments is so hard to do for some reason. We don’t want to be conceited. But we deserve to take those to heart. I loved reading more in depth about what you shared in the comments already.
I have issues accepting compliments too. Often, people think it is because of low self esteem but it is really just hard to know how to answer. I have learned that a simple thank you will suffice and to just take compliments as they come
I had the same problem, how do you answer? It’s awkward. Thank you is my answer, but it still feels awkward. And it fells awkward to compliment others, I try to but I still feel weird doing it.